Flow to Paradise
by Aqua W. Straw
Summary: The simplest till the strangest feeling that exist, run all the world. But are you crazy enough to follow me to the craziest flow to PARADISE !
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

In this story, I'll write my feelings down in this cold, white sheet. The simplest till the strangest feeling that exist, run all the world. Is like we don't have any control over them, but still we are their owner. Good and bad, right and wrong, left and right, hot and cold, shyness and desire, simple and ambitious, up and down, life and death. All this comparisons that can make our life easy or difficult. But always, we feel both ways. Again, there are different feelings, so that makes it more funny. You can't expect which will pounce. And which can make you feel strong, even thought you are weak.

K.K.


	2. Blessing From Earth

**Blessing From Earth **

The feeling of love, thought is just one, it can be expressed in different forms. One of them is, of course parental love, the blessing from earth. Do you ever think what were your parents thinking the moment they heard your first cry? They always say that they were happy, because you cried. Because of the first time you screamed to the world that you were here and you are alive. Your existence, not matter how small it was, it made two normal people feel heavenly happy. Your crying made somebody else happy. A baby, originally a thing, a fetus, that was given birth by the love that two people shared. That, with each passing day, made the warmth called family. Passionate gestures build up in nine long months, a thick wall of fragile happiness. Without even noticing it, you, just like other babies, made the world brighter. Sometimes with my girlfriends, we discus what would we like to have, a girl or a baby-boy, but truly, does it even matters what will come out? The only things that matters is that you have a being that can call your own. Your parents loved and love each other, and that love created you. But can a baby be created even if there isn't any love to it?

You have a normal life and a happy family to treasure, but are all the others just like you? What do you think? Maybe you think "who cares about the others as long as I am happy?" You cannot be that selfish to ignore your surroundings. The world is just like a garden full of roses. Just as beautiful those roses are, as fierce their thorns are. You can't expect that the parental love is all flowers and smiles, that's just isolating yourself from a far away truth. Oh, I'm not saying that you don't have to be happy, is just that you should open your blessing, so even others that have never felt it, can have a little of it taste. There are people that think that their existence was a mistake, a stupid desire of youth, and had to live alone, only thinking like that. Their fragile hearts can't last forever, even thought they think they are strong. That's lying to yourself. If you are lonely find some other source of love. There are a lot of different types of parents. There are parents that didn't want to have children, and they accidentally had one. But that wasn't accidentally, even thought a future mother can be raped, and think of that child as a killing memory. Inside of it, it was a gift of god so she would feel lonely and hurt anymore. Exactly those mothers should say to themselves that entirely of that precious gift is a piece of them, not just a memory of someone or something they want so hardly to forget.

People that don't even share that same blood can be called a family, because there is love flowing between them, not just a desire to have kids. So was it entirely a mistake to have given birth to that child that can only smile in their parents presence, and that they didn't even know about the suffering that they caused. It wasn't their fault. But if you treat them cold, and say it clearly that they are unwanted, then every passing day of their lives, they would want to never have been born. Who gives them the right, either they are or not his/her parent, to give someone that kind of sufferings, and making them want to erase their existence? The child too is very stupid. In all your life, it won't be just one person daring to protect you. Firstly, you should care of your life yourself, and than find someone that truly wants to care for you, and share beautiful memories together. There are good and bad people, we aren't perfect. Even thought our parents love us or not, we have to make our own decisions. If we have our parents love, than that is a bonus, that makes our hearts strong. One day or another, we will stand with our own two legs. Then we want have our parents protection, so sooner or later we will be separated from each others. So what importance has if you cry on it? Don't never cry over the spilled milk. You can't go back anymore. Just see ahead of you, and walk straight with no regrets from the past. After all, it isn't over yet.

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><p>Do you love your mother? What about her, does she tell you everyday that she loves you? Even if she doesn't, you still know that she loves you, right? How? Do you have a radar that tells you which person loves you, or you think that it is normal for a mother to love her child? Is it that normal? Of course that is. A woman goes through the hardship of bearing a small treasure chest in her belly for nine months straight. She sweated and prayed every night so her child would grow strong and healthy. Sometimes she may sound cruel or boring when she screams us about eating the vegetables, learning, cleaning our rooms, sleeping early. Well that's what all mothers do. In my opinion, a mother is a heavenly creature that has torch in her hands, so she can illuminate the appropriate ways for us to choose. Shortly, our guardian angel in earth.<p>

Who can you trust, if you can't trust your own mother? How can you expect to trust others when you can't even trust her? Okay, there may be special occasion that need more thought, but those occasions are like one in a million, just a few of them. For me, she is the one and only, well that's how she becomes when you grow only with one parent. Since the day I was left alone with her, I rarely cried in front of her, and I wanted to be an educated child just for her sake, because partly of the work we do, is for our parents to be proud of. So there is none occasion that you would come at my house and won't see me with a happy smile. Don't misunderstand me! I do that for my sake and for her sake. I don't just do that, because I pity her, how can I do something like that? The only think I want is that, for only one instance I want to be the light that illuminates her way, till she finds my warmth and hug me like I'm going to break down if she doesn't. I'm always there for her, just like she is there for me, even thought I am a more carefree and calm person than she is. Ha ha ha! That's true. For me the best mother in the world is the mother that always waits me home everyday of my life, like that day will be the last. My most cherish treasure, my mom!


	3. Snow White's Apple

**Snow White's Apple**

"Have you ever wanted to be in a fairytale? Have you ever mistaken the fairytale for the reality? Have you ever dreamed of your white prince in the shinny armor? Or for your sleepy beauty on the top of a high tower? Well yeah, all children dream about something like this, I guess."

Everyone who was at least once in its mind a little child have dreamed about its own fairytale. And if you had a grandma when you was young, she should have told you about the bitter sweet tale of the pure Snow White that was painted in a dust dream of bitter tears that was created by a juicy red apple taken from the tree of jealousy that the witch cultivated with hatred all along. Isn't that just cruel? Well that's what a fairytale is about, unrealized dreams that everyone of us want in the depth of our hearts. In that part of your heart that light cannot reach the abyss of our desire, that just grows stronger each passing bite. Snow white wanted to be with the prince, one of her desires, that so gladly accepted the poisoned apple. Our dreams can make us take the wrong choices, that can cause us a heart disease from which we can't escape so easily, even thought others told us that it was wrong. The bible has a perfect example of the forbidden fruit, the story of Adam and Eve. Just like Snow white, she ate the fruit that god screamed not to eat. Eve went across God's words directly to the Devil's fangs. The irrevocable mistake that took from them the so normal paradise that they have lived it until that precisely moment. But Snow white had her happy ending, like every princess after all. That's exactly what we so much are looking for. a happy ending, but the very end is the finish point of our lives. More than a fairytale, is like a strategy game, every each of us have its own strategy in their minds. We have a brain, even thought we look like idiots. Don't judge a book from it's cover, that would be a howler, very big mistake. Yeah, something like that!

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><p>In this essay, I wanted you to know the feeling of ambitious in finding the simplest think that is so hard to achieve. I love peoples who know what they want and how to get there, they always have some kind of charm, so determined. But also I kind of think that more interesting are the ones that want to do more than one thing, and have no idea how to do those things, so easy mind. They make me want to tease them a little bit, just to see their response and facial expression. So cute! What about me? What person do you think I am? Well, I don't know what you think about me, but I know that I'm like those that are in the middle. I am the someone who knows what they want, and have more than one way to do it, and do you know what they or I think? I think about which of the ways will be the funnier. Does this makes you sick, like somewhat you think that I like playing with my and others life, or just that this makes me easymided too? Who knows, you not for sure. I love talking with you like this. Do you want to know why? Because like this you cannot give me your answers, so in this little world of mine, only my thoughts matters. You can't give an answer that I don't like, either you can be as foolish as give an answer completely egoistic. Okay, I can accept it, if you say that the egoist here is me that don't want your answer. Fool, I don't even care about your answer. What do you think, that I have to hear whatever you say? Ha ha ha, so idiotic! So funny! Now listen here you can say "who am I to speak?", then I'll answer "who are you to tell me not to speak? you have no rights here, I'm selfish because I am, can you change me, tell me someone who can, to me that thinks whatsoever about life and with a crazy ambitious in my head to govern all over the world, so I am asking you, WHO AM I?" That's exactly what ambitious is about. Ah you have never felt this, is some kind of freedom that allows you to think whatever you want, and if you have guts, you can do it. Umm, yeah it needs courage, self-believe, and a little of egoism. You ought to have more than one face to realize your more unbearable dream. The world has change, so have the peoples in it. Trust is something very valuable, and is very hard to earn. But I'm going to talk about trust in another time, for now this is enough. Live peacefully in that little fairytale of yours and do your best to achieve your egoistic happy ending, if you can…<p> 


	4. A Kiss to an Angel's Tears

**A Kiss to an Angel's Tears**

A new world, the old world. The tears of a little child that struggles against a vow that cannot be forgiven. The freedom in the wings of a half angel, which cannot fly anymore because of the chains around its neck, just like Prometheus. Chains made of its own blood and sadness. That sadness that gave to the world a paradise of fire. Pandora, the little girl, who opened the forbidden box of pleasures, and for the laughs of fate, it gave this empty world a meaning to why. A creasy vow with a black angel, who crushed in this earth long ago and is now living as a fallen one. If I could touch those unhappy feathers, I would love to make a promise for my self-satisfaction without looking behind to see who was wanting for me to be back or gone forever. The starry sky which could have been surrounding me, I didn't notice that. That the sky was crying, its moon was gone and there were only stars shooting a sad lullaby for myself that was sleeping in sorrow, in the pitch black of my deadly broken heart. I was still longing for something that I didn't even notice that sadness that was looking at my past road, the road that even I don't dare to look. It was still there, waiting… the only thing that actually was waiting for me to be back so it could tease me again. I couldn't see it, it was raining or at least that's what I thought. I was blind, so I didn't know the sky was empty. Even the rain's drops were gone. So why was it that while making that blind promise, I thought it was raining hardly? Was my heart really that lonely that I was imagination a storm of rain? Than moment the shadows opened, with them my eyes too. I was in the shadows and they were in me, outside me, even surrounding me in every nanometers. It was so obvious, so why didn't I think about it before? The loneliness had made me blind, not my sorrow. I wasn't truly in pain, I was standing still looking out for each movement that could have been released in the air. I just didn't know other, that made me not notice words I slowly whispered and to whom I spoke those low spirits words. From the very beginning it wasn't only for me. It was extremely close I couldn't even see it. Ah, so simple and pure. Those eyes that sounded like the rain, those tears that sounded like my heart shattering away, and the warmth was given off so I could capture it. With all those things that were only mine, I made that promise full heartedly and impressed it with a kiss to my angel's tears. For something I was never truly alone, it was there watching me staying still, not even a muscle was moving so I wouldn't notice its pain. The one in pain, it wasn't me, it was it. Because I knew my sorrow, I didn't pain, but it was the one peeping my sorrow the who sank in pain. And it was me the one who gave it the misery tears flowing through its cheeks. In that moment I was happy seeing him cry, so much I could make this one eternal promise.

_**°If you let me touch your feathers, I'll give you my love. As long as you cry I'll be happy, because those tears are only for me. I'll free you from my chains, and learn so one day when I come back I can teach you the thing that can make you smile again. And again I'll kiss your tears of angel, and take that smile as my own.°**_

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><p>This was something special from me. If you understood it and thought it was gorgeous, I'll be really happy. If not, bad for you. It was a feeling of somewhat loneliness and love, ah and that angel is the dead lover who is now gone, for them who didn't understand. You are still alive and empty, and the fallen is dead and lonely. You can't go on anymore so you made this promise, so you can see the light that is now long gone. If you have ever lost someone, I'm really sorry and somehow happy, because you didn't go with it, you stayed so you could live for both of you. Enjoy what you have now, because one day it will be all gone. After death the only thing that can remain is the memory of your dead body. You can't possibly feel anymore pain or sorrow, you can't call it in your dreams anymore. Now it is as it didn't really exist in the past, and will never exist in the near future.<p> 


	5. Silver Tears of Sadness

**Silver Tears of Sadness**

Have you ever cried all night long till the first lights of the morning gently approached toward your prison's little window? Have you ever felt pain of losing something that you never thought of disappearing in thin air? Well this thing you are reading right now is written with sadness and pain that flocks in your throat and leave you without breath. The pain that kills and the sorrow that scares, the weaknesses we, as humans have. We can't escape our cruel fate of dying, but more painful is that we cannot escape the pain of watching someone close to us die. Or even seeing someone we hold dear, starting to created a large gap between us. Breaking down in one million pieces and not being able to recreate ourselves, just because of the mere thought that you cannot create something out of nothing. The tears you shed became cold blocks of ice in the bottom of a Coca Cola glass. This turns the hot summer in an infinite winter of snow. Do you think, if the snow kept falling, will it cover this sadness of mine and by passing time it will melt in the beginning of a new summer? But what if I can't melt the snow, will I become the icy snow queen? Will I forget every warm feeling and be left with the agony of not wanting to be hurt again? If you say yes, than you should be the type which cries only when s/he is alone, but where will you go if you don't let anyone see those tears? The bitter truth is that you can't run away from this cruel truth. What if the moment come when someone sees through your eyes? Then you'll be scared to death to fate the reality in front of you. Cowardly running away from something that you clearly know, but don't want to accept because is too painful. What about us which have accepted it, weren't we scared too, but how come we are just fine now? Just because no one seems to hear your hidden cries, and no one seems to reach a warm hand out for you to grab onto it, it doesn't mean you can escape. You are left to face yourself alone, the image reflect in the crystal of the beauty mirror inside your eyes. But I can't speak for myself. I am the one who is good to manipulate words, and I'm pretty good at what I do. Don't you think so to? I'm doing the same thing right now, but the only thing different is that I don't want to escape anymore. I'm sick and tired of this game of destine like I am a simple solder. No one has ever helped me, because they pitied me. They thought I lost something, that I didn't even have to begin with. And here I was thinking that was a good think, I didn't lose anything. But the many who lost it, they had something to hold dear, I… I didn't have anything, just an empty shell. So was I really lucky? You think you are in pain because you lost something. Please, look around you. Listen through me! I can hear you in a whisper, but you cannot even hear me screaming. I was so afraid, but I just didn't want to admit that even **I** could be afraid. I lost something that didn't even belong to me. The only thing left now is my life, the only thing that can love me is I. I wanted to became all the thing I wanted to be. This pain that even the ones close to me have never seen, I'm writing here so that one day they will understand even without me spelling a letter. I can't be saved because I have already accepted it in my heart, which is now throbbing from the sudden hard pains. I have been always left alone, just for the fact that I was stronger than the normal. The truth that is still blurred like a veil of silver mist in front of my eyes. Oh, I see. The silver mist are my tears falling. Perhaps, am I crying? But I haven't realized it till now. When did I start feeling like this? What's this feeling, it tastes like regret? Am I regretting something, WHAT? I can't be regretting now, is not even the end of the life. IS JUST THE BEGGINIG, so why are you making me regret? What do you want to tell me? You want me to tell the truth? I DON'T WANT THIS! I can and I will reject all the world if it is needed. THE TRUTH, again? I'm not strong, I can't even make the balance of my thoughts and reality. I think I'll go mad one of this days. Ah, I can't even do that. I didn't have anything, so I can't be gone now. I have to find that something that I will do anything to protect. I still have TIME. Just a little more, I can continue with this burden in my shoulders, better with this feeling of living a life in my shoulders. My silver tears, so fragile, will become hard steel that I can support my feet with. This pain makes me remember, makes me wanting to forget, makes me happy, makes me scar, and even makes me regret. But never, NEVER makes me wanting to give off my life. Is hard, I can understand the burden of your secret, those that you have to walk with everyday. I know it. But whatever your pain is fight it head on, not half-assed because you will never truly escape with only that.

Ha, with all this sadness I want to say something funny. Now you are reading this and regretting, and me thinking that would be great if you don't regret just because you read this. How come you, you truly feel pain? That's good but not regret. Just cancel that word from your vocabulary. But I'm sorry for your pain. You want to hide it just like I was doing and still am doing, but that isn't for the best. That will leave so much scars on you that won't ever heal again. I want to live, but I truly want to disappear too. So I'm going to try to do both things, till the day of my total disappearance.

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><p>You know what I regretted most, or even why I said I regretted? Well no, how can you possibly know when just a minute ago I said that I didn't knew it myself? But at least did you thought about this kind of question? Well, to put it in simple words, it is just that when you are in pain, you reflect about what you did and didn't, that's the most hard part. Your brain just start reflecting on its own, that can make you confuse in some cases. It's like sleeping in a bed of thorn roses. The smell is nice, the color too, but the thorns make you hurt and bleed, and whatever color the roses had, now they are tainted in a horrifying dark red. I feel like this sometimes, when I think I'm empty and when I'm losing something that I can't even fight for, that I am not supposed to fight, no better that I, myself don't want to fight for. Again, want to know what a person like me, empty, can regret about? Said more well, what I regret about? I regret having this emptiness in my heart. When I was younger I didn't really bother thinking because the thing of the thing I lost, I wanted to shatter it myself, it was the monster under my bed that slept with me every night and waked at the first lights of the new day. Others have the thing I lost in a large number, but others don't even know it or were treated in a worst way that I was treated. Anyway this isn't what I regret exactly, I regret that for some reasons I now give the fault to myself even thought I perfectly now that I couldn't do anything. I was a child and still my eyes were filled with terror, I saw things I wasn't supposed to see, and what did I do? I just forgot, I closed a part of my heart and threw it away somewhere safe. I never looked at the person beside me, she was the one really hurt and I just egoistically run away and never faced it face to face. Yes, I haven't lost her yet, but it's to late now. My lies and my running have filled her heart with hatred and I can't do anything else but wait beside her and loosen the hatred with affection till one day she will say it was a bad dream and never think about it again. It's impossible, why did I noticed so late, why couldn't I open my eyes sooner? Is this regret of mine just something about time and cowardice? If I could say that I am sorry, will I be forgiven? That I don't know, and truthfully I'm not scared about the answer, I am mostly scared of the look that she will make, the same look the I didn't have the courage to see then. Has anything change since then? Even if something had changed, that little child is still playing around inside me. The child that hurt her, has still to notice that kind of sorrow, but the selfish me don't want to destroy that pureness with my own hands. I want to smile even for a short period of time. I WANT to cry my heart out too. But more of all I want this kind of hurt and hatred disappeared from her soul and body, then I'll be in peace. It won't hurt anymore. Ah even now I think these words means that I only want to loosen my own scares. Truly I care for her more so even if I sounded like that I will still keep going, even if it IS selfish, I know now I can do it. I want to protect her with all my being till the day that I will leave. I will cause more pain the future, but still she won't hate me. That's something reassuring that I hold, let me tell you. SHE IS THE ONLY THING I HOLD DEAR IN MY HEART. The only thing I have ever cared since I was reborn that day of sorrow. Her slaps awakened me, and the scar she left in my face, was there to remind me of what I had done and what will I do. That scar told me that even thought all that hatred, her love for me was still there. I had forgotten the most important thing to me, and now to recuperate that love I cry every night, and at the mornings I wake her up by saying how much I love her, my precious m… ha, but I'm somewhat pathetic because even after my pure silver tears and the warmth of those words, she laughs at me and I doubt that she truly is believing me, and again another thing happens and I come back from hell to earth to pay for my sins. See, someone as young as I am regrets, imagine you who should be some years older than me, or you may had the peaceful and ordinary life of always. But the pain isn't gone yet and the silver tears of sadness will stay as my friends for some time more. Ah, one more thing, <strong>don't<strong> pity me, because from what has happened to me I see the world in a best view than you, so don't worry for me, or for you! I'll help, so good luck in handling your own tears!


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